Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Bear with me, the ad I want you to see will come after the WSJ ad that comes beforehand. If the video doesn't work, here's the link:

...and so, things were never the same since the introduction of the burger to the remote region of Thailand. Their whopper virginity had been ruthlessly taken from them, caught them unaware; like a drugged date, they woke the next morning feeling shamed and disgraced. The hamburger, which resembled nothing to the local cuisine that the denizens had been accustomed to, produced nauseau, bloody vomit, and runs that never ended. The burger, or as the locals call it--Demon Turd--had become a scourge to the elders of the tribes, but to the young men it had taken on a new role. The Demon Turd had become a tool for impressing the young women of the tribe, an initiation rite, a gatekeeper one must pass to get to manhood. Rituals and ceremonies arose surrounding the attainment and consumption of the much feared Demon Turd.

"Demon Turd! Ahhh Demon Turd!" shouted the shaman as he held it up to the sky.

Old women knotted their hands, old men cursed, young men became deathly silent and their faces drained of all color while the young women blushed.

"Demon Turd! Demon Tuuuuuuuuuuuurd!"

A young man steps up from the crowd--not yet a man in the eyes of the tribe. He's a brave one. The fire ant gloves he didn't mind. The ritualistic scarring he faced without a hint of fear. The week alone in the jungle, hopped up on the concotion of insect venom and fungal hallucinogenics the shaman had prepared for him, that was bad, but never before had his stomach quivered with such anticipation and anxiety.

"Demon Turd! Demon Turd!"

The white man had brought the Demon Turd. He had brought steel tools, cars, and powerful medicines, but this vile object seemed to undo all the good previously brought by the white man. The village elders regretted ever having befriended the white man from the now notorious Buhgah Keeeng.

"Demon Turd! Demooooooooooooon Turd!"

The crowd was now breathing in unison, chanting. The young man approaches. He catches the eye of a particular young beauty, blushing and receiving whispers from two other smiling young women, girls really, about how the girl of his desires will have to kiss him after he's eaten the Demon Turd. He gulps hard. He steels himself. He grips the Demon Turd from the sacred salver.

"Demon Turd!"

All is quiet. The random sounds of the jungle can be heard, but even the sounds nearest to the village seem to have quieted down in respect for the ritual at hand.

The young man holds up the Demon Turd. All are quiet. The young women stop whispering. The old men look away in disgust. The old women pray. Young boys look on in admiration. Young men look on in fear, knowing they too must engage in the initiation if they are to get a girl. The shaman looks on with content pride.

The young man takes a bite. His eyes wince. Tears fall from the corners. He struggles against the gag reflex. It's a sign of weakness to vomit on the first bite. No one has managed an entire Demon Turd down; this young man is determined to be the first. Juices and mayo litter the sides of his mouth.

In a few minutes the spectacle is over. The young man is now truly a man of the village. His face is washed by the young woman, according to ritual, and they are now one. The young man is uncertain if it was worth it. The smell haunts him, follows him, taunts him. But, for now, he's happy. He's a man. He has a woman. The Demon Turd can't harm him any longer...well, once the three days of diarrhea cease. But he has conquered the Demon Turd! Soon there will be more children in the village, his children, and both he and his wife pray to the gods they'll be girls, wishing to protect their children from the fate their father had to endure...the wrath of the Demon Turd.